What’s Up With All This Ghosting?

Why People Ghost and What To Do If It Happens To You

Tired of Getting Ghosted?

Dating is not easy. This is something I hear often in my work with quarterlife clients. They describe the ups and downs of dating, their nervousness on first dates, and doubts about whether the other person wants to see them again. In dating, you are consumed with questions like: Will we play games or can we cut through the bullshit and just be real with each other? Is there a future for us? Did I get too drunk? How soon can we have sex?

I’ve been hearing a lot about ghosting from clients lately. What is ghosting? It’s when the person you are dating abruptly disappears and stops texting (because, as I’ve been told, no one makes actual phone calls anymore). Ghosting often occurs after multiple dates, sometimes even after months of dating. A recent book of poetry written by Samantha Jayne entitled Quarterlife Poetry perfectly describes ghosting.

___________________________________________________

“Our first date was magic
the next was okay
I texted for thirds
but he ghosted away…”

–Quarterlife Poetry By Samantha Jayne

_____________________________________________________

Being ghosted is confusing and frustrating. It can result in a tornado of questions swirling in your head: “Where did she go?” “Did she get my text?” “What did I do wrong?” “How could I have misread this? “Did we have sex too soon?” You may find yourself speculating as to the reason for the sudden silence: “He may have lost his phone.” “Maybe she’s married and her husband found out.” “I hope he wasn’t in a terrible accident!”

So, Why Do People Ghost?

The answer is usually pretty simple. Ghosting is easier than having to tell you that they don’t want to continue to date you (or, perhaps, that they are ambivalent about dating you). Many people fear confrontation and think that being direct will hurt your feelings; so they avoid dealing with it at all. And they just slip away… like a ghost.

How Do I Handle Being Ghosted?

Acknowledge It.

If you’ve reached out and haven’t heard back from the other person, you might consider contacting them one more time to confirm that they received your text or message. If you still don’t hear back within several days, it is likely that you’ve been ghosted. You should MOVE ON and make your own plans –for this Saturday night, and your life. Don’t put your plans on hold while you wait to hear back from the other person.

Reflect on What Happened. Don’t Obsess.

Once you realize you’ve been ghosted, you will probably feel confused and will want to make sense of it.

Self-reflection is a good thing, but don’t get stuck in negative self-talk and obsessive thought patterns. It is important for you to understand what happened and why; but with the other person out of the picture you only have yourself to probe. That’s ok because you are not looking to assign blame, but rather to understand your own thoughts and behaviors. Ask yourself whether you could have seen this coming. Did you overlook red flags early on? Have you fallen into a pattern of pushing people away or dating people who don’t want a commitment? Were there specific conflicts that were brewing but were never addressed?

If you find that you’re obsessing about it, distract yourself with a fun activity or set time limits. For example, set a timer for 15 minutes, let yourself feel and think about the relationship as much as you can. But when the timer sounds, move on.

Remember: Although a post-hoc examination of the relationship might help you understand why you were ghosted, most of the time, the reason(s) won’t become clear. It’s quite possible that the ghosting had nothing to do with you or your behavior. Often people ghost because of something happening in their own lives.

Identify red flags.

Review the relationship to determine whether you overlooked red flags early on. Did the other person seem ambivalent about dating you? Were you the only one initiating communication and dates? Sometimes, people ignore signs of incompatibility because they want the relationship to continue.

Identifying warning signs from this relationship can help you acknowledge red flags, and deal with them, earlier on in your future relationships.

Get Closure.

Depending on how long you dated and the attachment you developed, you may feel a range of emotions like disappointment, surprise, and even betrayal. In order to achieve closure, you must acknowledge your feelings and give yourself some time to heal.

There are two ways to get closure:

intra-personally: within yourself (i.e., self-reflection, venting to friends, journaling), and
interpersonally: with the person who ghosted you (i.e., writing a note or text wishing the person well and saying goodbye).

Take Care of Yourself. And Move On.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, move forward with your own plans. Don’t put your life on hold while you wait to hear from the other person.

If you’re interested in scheduling an appointment or you’d like more information, please call us at 1-844-QLC-TALK (1-844-752-8255) or email us here