Supporting Our Trans* Loved Ones, While Processing Our Own Feelings

Photo Credit: @UCFImprint

So, you’ve had a loved one share that they are transgender. Congratulations! What a privilege to be one of the people that this person has chosen to disclose to. But, now what? What do you do with all of your feelings and reactions, while also supporting your loved one?

First – let’s keep things in context. Transgender is an umbrella term signifying that someone does not align with the gender assigned to them at birth. This means someone can identify as transgender, gender-nonconforming, gender fluid, gender queer, non-binary or many other labels and still fall under this umbrella. For each person, their journey to living authentically is different. Some choose to take social and or medical steps to transition, some do not. No matter how your loved one decides to express their identity, they have chosen to share with you a deep and intimate part of who they truly are.

Some tips for you:

From joy and acceptance, to fear and grief – there is no wrong way to feel when processing your Trans* loved ones experience. Take time for your reactions, let them be real and authentic. Find others like you to connect with. Whether that is a support group, a local organization, or a mental health professional who is trans* competent – there are many resources that can help you through this.
You are allowed to have complex reactions. You might find yourself grieving the loss of an incongruent version of your loved one. They are still them, but with the addition of authenticity.
Have boundaries in who you seek out to process these changes. Your loved one is already navigating a lot of conversations, systems, and life considerations. Make sure when you do talk with them you focus on questions about their experience (e.g. How can I respect your pronouns?), and less on curiosities (e.g. Are you going to have surgery?). You can use other spaces to process and care for your feelings.

Photo Credit: PrideSource

For your Trans* loved one

This is a celebration for your person, they are choosing to survive and thrive.
Join them by respecting their decisions, and not questioning whether it is true or real for them.
- Remember, this is likely something that they’ve known for a long time and have now found a way to share with those they care about. For you to be included in sharing their story is a privilege.
Follow their lead. They likely know the language, pronouns, and support that is best for them at this time.
Grow alongside your loved one, consider being an ally for all Trans* folx. Keep in mind, you can be an ally for a community without needing to share that you know anyone who is a part of the community.

Remember – society has pathologized the Trans* experience. There is a focus on the communities trauma, oppression, and stigma. We all need to be able to take our own time to process out these narratives that have been taught, so we can support our loved ones and create a safer, more equitable world for our Trans* family.

Trans*: An abbreviation for the community that allows inclusion for all trans-identities (e.g., transsexual, transgender, etc.).

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