Mid-Life Perspective On a Quarterlife Crisis
At 40(ish), my quarterlife crisis seems like so long ago. Not in number of years, but in terms of how I view the world and my place in it. In my early 20s, I was steadfast in my decisions about my future–what I was going to do, when I was going to do it, and what was going be the outcome. My pre-planned paths seemed oh so critical for my long-term happiness and well-being. As it turned out, they weren’t; but that didn’t keep them from stressing me out and sending my anxiety through the roof.
From then until now, I learned that there are an infinite number of life paths that we can take, and trying to pick just one, years in advance, is foolish and destined to result in unhappiness. I also learned the importance of understanding yourself and staying flexible. I’ll share an example from my own story to show you what I mean.
When I graduated from college with an economics degree, I had a notion that I wanted to go into law. I had participated in student governance, interned at a state legislature, spent a summer working for a lawyer—I figured I had seen enough to understand that a legal profession could be intellectually challenging and personally rewarding. I took the LSAT with no preparation and hung over. Not surprisingly, I didn’t get into law school. I freaked out, beat myself up for the lack of preparation, and was scared about what I was going to do next.
Needless to say, it was quite a low-point. What would I do? I didn’t have a plan B. I sought help and, through psychotherapy, came to realize that I wasn’t ready for law school. There were other passions to pursue. I soon secured a job with an international organization that worked to preserve habitat. Words cannot describe how thankful I became that I did not get into law school. But here’s the thing, even though I stayed with the organization for several years, working around the world in the most amazing places and with wonderful people, the time came to shift direction.
Thankfully, I was able to stay in contact with my therapist remotely and we worked together to deepen my self-awareness so that when the time came for the change, my eyes were open and I was able to see it. Well, it turns out, that my desire to practice law was fundamental and remained important to me. So, unlike the first time around, I studied hard and retook the LSAT. I kicked its ass and got into a law school of my choice. At age 30, I began law school and loved every minute of it. I now have a second career that I love. The time may come when I will leave this career behind to pursue something else and, if so, I’m prepared for the new adventure.
Why am I sharing this with you? I think it’s important to understand that when we are in our 20s and 30s, it’s neither possible, nor advisable, to carve your desired path in stone. Very often, we don’t know ourselves well enough to do that reliably and it will close us off to opportunities. If I had decided that, for me, it was law or nothing, I would have moved back with my parents, studied for the LSAT non-stop, retaken the test and then gone to law school a little later. I would have missed traveling the world and working to make it a better place. I would have missed the experiences that prepared me to do well in law school and launch a successful legal career.
There is another lesson here about timing. Just like they say, you cannot time the stock market, you cannot time your life either. It only leads to stress, frustration and missed opportunities. Whether we are talking about career, marriage, buying a house, or anything else, trying to force the timing can really screw things up (I could write an entire piece on my negative experience trying to force the timing of getting married). The Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu wrote extensively about this concept using a lot of natural imagery. The upshot is that we must remain flexible or we will break and be full of sorrow and discontent. I highly recommend his writing for its power and simplicity.
So, get to know yourself, enjoy the present with an open mind, and your 20s, 30s and especially your 40s will be far more amazing and full of joy than you could ever imagine.
Author: C.A., Client, NYC
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