Learning from Our Anger

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In both my practice as a therapist and in my relationships with friends and family, I’ve noticed that women are increasingly sharing their feelings of anger. Perhaps we sense that we’re giving more than we’re getting in our partnerships, or maybe we’re paid less than our male counterparts at work, or we disagree with decisions made by those in positions of authority. Regardless of the cause of our rage, anger signals to us that something feels unfair, such as an imbalance in a relationship, a crossing of our boundaries, or an injustice built into our laws. Conventional wisdom holds that men tend to be angrier than women, but in fact studies have shown that women experience as much anger as men.  The difference is in how we express it. 

Women are taught to fear and deny their anger from birth. Gender norms, conveyed through both overt and subtle messages from our families, schools, and society, dictate that women and girls are expected to be loving caretakers and peacemakers. “Good girls” are kind, self-sacrificing, and agreeable, and they assume responsibility for others’ feelings. Women are aware that when we express our anger outwardly, we are often dismissed as “irrational,” “hysterical,” or “bitter.” On the other hand, an angry man is typically considered strong, honorable, righteous, and passionate. Anger is closely aligned with cultural notions of masculinity, and when women express rage, we fear our femininity itself could be called into question. 

So many women turn inward. We often repress our anger, pushing it down and avoiding it, and this can result in anxiety, depression, resentment, people-pleasing, and passive-aggressive behaviors. And if we do express rage in the moment, afterwards we may struggle with guilt, shame, and even negative consequences in our relationships. When we don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge and then effectively channel our anger, our relationships, mental health, and sense of self all suffer. 

All of our feelings hold important clues about our values, and anger is no exception. When we take a closer look at our anger, we may discover other, accompanying feelings. In Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger, Soraya Chemaly outlines steps for cultivating what she calls “anger competence,” or developing a relationship with your anger wherein you own it, learn from it, and enact positive changes. One such step is developing self-awareness by talking about your anger with trusted others, or by writing about it. Upon deeper reflection, a person experiencing anger may discover they’re frustrated, fearful, hurt, or insecure. Identifying these other feelings can help clarify our values and guide our decisions about actions to take in response. 

In order to fully cultivate self-awareness, we must identify the ways we “unwittingly perpetuate the old patterns from which our anger springs,” writes Harriet Lerner, PhD in The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. “The important issue is whether, over time, you can use your anger as an incentive to achieve greater self-clarity and discover new ways to navigate old relationships.” 

So, get curious about your anger and consider what it’s trying to tell you — it presents an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves and make more informed decisions.

Stay tuned for more steps to take once you’ve begun the process of anger competence. In the meantime, therapists at QLC are here to support you. If you’d like to learn more about QLC, go to quarterlifecenter.com.

If you’re interested in scheduling an appointment or you’d like more information, please call us at 1-844-QLC-TALK (1-844-752-8255) or email us here.