4 Steps to Build the Life You Want
As a therapist, I have heard some version of this many times in counseling sessions with my clients: “I have done a lot of things in my life, and my life seems pretty great from the outside, yet I feel so lost and dissatisfied on the inside. I don’t know how I got here. Why do I feel depressed when I have all of this in my life? What’s wrong with me?”
These clients have, in fact, accomplished a lot and maybe even met many of their goals, or at least have done what they thought they were supposed to do: gone to college, studied and worked hard, started a successful career, and maybe gotten married and had children. It’s true: from the outside looking in, an observer would think that they “have it all.”
The bottom line is:
You don’t have to go through the rest of your life feeling this way.
You can start to feel better.
You can create the life you want.
In this article, I will show you how you can feel happier and more satisfied in your life, by using a straightforward, simple 4-step exercise. Also, writing a personal vision statement can be very helpful.
WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?
In psychotherapy, one of the most important questions I urge clients to ask themselves is “WHY?” So, WHY do so many people feel lost and unhappy?
Very often, they have been living on autopilot, allowing the “outside-looking-in” perspective define for them what is important rather than asking what really matters to them–what THEY want and need in their lives. As a result, their outer life is inconsistent with their inner life (who they are and what they are about on the inside). Additionally, expectations from others, like parents, professors, bosses, friends, and the larger culture, are very influential and may interfere with finding out, and staying connected to, what they really want and need.
In order to live a deeply satisfying life, we must make decisions and act in an intentional way, from a place where we understand ourselves.
HOW CAN YOU BUILD THE LIFE YOU WANT?
A second very important question in psychotherapy is “HOW.” So, how do people figure out what they truly want and need in life? How do they live with intention?
The first step is to get to know your inner life by finding out what motivates you. What are you passionate about? What scares you, and why? What do you value?
The following is a 4-step exercise I developed to help clients explore what is most important to them. There are several goals: 1) to increase self-understanding, 2) to make decisions that reflect your values, and 3) to create a fulfilling life that is meaningful to you. This exercise is helpful for people who are new to self-analysis and for those who want a refresher.
Download Build the Life You Want Work sheet
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4-Step Exercise to Build the Life You Want
1. Core Values
Make a list of 5-10 values you believe are most important to you.
To help you identify your core values, think of principles and beliefs that guide your life, and think of traits you admire most in other people. Your core values should be general concepts.
Examples: kindness, generosity, honesty, openness, privacy, curiosity.
2. Interests
Make a list of 5-15 of your interests.
To identify your interests, think of activities you enjoy and ways in which you like spending time. Hobbies should be included in this list.
Examples: international travel, learning languages, environmental issues, hiking, socializing with friends, relaxing at the beach, and cooking. 
3. Skills
Make a list of 5-15 of your skills. Also, ask 3 people who know you well (family or friends) to give you a list of 5-10 skills they think you have.
Compare your own list with the 3 lists you are given and look for overlap among the skills. Combine the lists into one comprehensive list of skills.
To identify your skills, think of what you are good at, and ask yourself these questions: Where do you excel? What do people in your life ask you for help with? What do people depend on you for? What skills do you use at your job?
Examples: listening, learning languages, decorating home, fixing cars, cooking, hosting parties, public speaking, writing, being tactful, relaxing, making people laugh.
4. Life Goals
Make a list of 5-8 of your most important, overarching life goals.
To identify your life goals, think long-term, and ask yourself these questions: What do you want to focus your life on? How do you want to spend your energy and time? When you are 80 years old, what will you regret not having done? When you are 80 years old, what will you feel proud of and happy about having done?
Examples: Prioritize spending time with and supporting my spouse and children. Give back to my community. Become an expert in my field. Buy a boat and spend time on the water. Read as much as I can. Enjoy exercise.
This exercise should be a dynamic, ongoing process. Revisit the lists you’ve created at least twice a year and notice what changes and what stays the same. The core values, interests, skills, and life goals that you’ve identified are tools to guide decision-making in all parts of your life, including career, love, friendships, and hobbies. Through such self-discovery, you will create the life you want.
Download Build the Life You Want Work sheet
If you’re interested in scheduling an appointment or you’d like more information, please call us at 1-844-QLC-TALK (1-844-752-8255) or email us here
